Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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