I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
