I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
