party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
