its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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