Umm I'm too high to move.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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