I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
