oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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