2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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