I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
