I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
