I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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