i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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