Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
