What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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