watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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