what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Randomize
