whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
