you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
