my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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