my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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