Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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