I'm going to jail i love you
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
