this just has baby written all over it
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
