i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
