If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
