Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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