I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If I die, sorry about rent.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
