Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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