dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
