Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am midnight drunk by noon
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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