what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
