Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
