Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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