When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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