I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
