Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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