i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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