I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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