eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You left your phone here
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