you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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