I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
