I'd wear matching sweaters with you
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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