Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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