she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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