yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
