I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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