They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
