she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
its liver damage thursday
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
