My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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