she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
