My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize