sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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