dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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