Sry I called you an 8
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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