the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
