i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
