The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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