Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
