hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm both gender and math confused
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
