my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
