Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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