had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
