just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
