i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
